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i love you
don't be silly
we need to take care of mao together ok?
like this! (:

http://www.pandafix.com/pandafix/2006/01/16_baby_pandas_.html

summer

its a wonderful feeling when you realize how happy you are with your life. how content you are with everything and don't wish for anything to be different. and i think about the future too and im happy. everyone and everything has been so good to me, i must have finally done something right. im simply, very happy.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

i've got love in my tummy

because of all my whining about no cake and the stupid ex, my boyfriend sent me an edible arrangement (: it is lovely fruits smothered in very decadent chocolate. yummmm. it really (almost) makes up for the lack of birthday cake. i was so happy when i got it! i couldn't stop laughing and smiling like an idiot haha (: it's hard to stay angry at someone who knows you best and seduces you with chocolate

i swear it's one third finished heehee

long distance really tests the decision part of love. sighh
i love you much

cheese biscuits

didn't have that much to do this weekend again (went to watch bruno which was a great mistake - don't watch it, wait for the pirated dvd) so started baking again (: cheese biscuits! i was like a factory worker pheww i think i have six dozen now hahaha

cheese biscuits topped with pecans!

factory worker izzy

not my heart or my head but my uterus

i think my actions and emotions have been controlled solely by my uterus lately. on friday i had a crazy junk food day. i ate a banana and watermelon for breakfast (normal) then a big piece of COOKIE CAKE for breakessrt (dessert for breakfast). lunch was a turkey avacado wrap (ok) followed by two peanut butter twix bars. then dinner was fast food chick filla omggg a whole burger and waffle fries AND a milkshake. omgggg

on top of that my boyfriend paranoia levels are way over the top too. it was the ex's birthday and he bought her a cake which yeah ok is a nice friendly thing to do blah blah blah but he didn't buy me a cake for my birthday ): i know that sounds like a kindergarden whine but i'm a the girlfriend right?? i didn't get a cake or anything at all as a matter of fact. why is she so special??

maybe part of the reason is that all my ex's are assholes and none have ever been as nice to me as he is to her. so in my mind his behavior is clearly irrational and lined with an ulterior motive. NO ONE SHOULD BE THAT NICE TO AN EX. especially an ex who just very recently became an ex!!!! arghhh what is so important about her that she deserves this treatment?

to make matters worse, i think i just promised i wouldn't dance with other boys even if we go on a break. i'm not sure how that happened. i was having lunch and reading this awesome ad magazine (examples below) when he called all pissed off that if i say i won't why can't i just promise? well promises aren't so flimsy darling; if i make them i never break them. sighh i somehow feel like my heart, influenced by my uterus and outrightly ignoring my head, was conned into that "choice". it is very unfair and asymmetrical, i am aware.

we fought about promises too because he didn't keep one. i knew he wouldn't it was made on a drunken whim. we've been arguing a lot lately i hate it it's never been like this. it always ends ok we make up and its even good in the sense that we talk and get things out of the way but we've never fought so much ): ):

it's hard when the future is so uncertain. it stinks.

well here are some of the best ads i've seen (communication ad's advertising annual agrees):

love the one you're with

on ex's
Suzanne runs her hands through her long, curly hair and continues, "Second of all, Leo and Andy are connected, by simple virtue of the fact that you love - or once loved - them both."
I give my sister a disconcerted look. "How do you figure?"
"Because," she says, "no matter how much or how little two people you love have in common...or whether they overlap or have a decade between them...or whether they hate each others guts or know absolutely nothing about one another... they're still linked in some strange way. They're still stuck in the same fraternity, just as you're in a sorority with everyone they've ever loved. There's just an unspoken kinship there, like it or not.'"

on cheating
A minute of silence passes and then Suzanne says, “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course,” I say.
Suzanne pauses and then says, “Do you love him?”
I’m not sure who she means – Andy or Leo – but either way, I tell her yes, I do.
“Then don’t do this,” she says, obviously talking about Andy.
“Suzanne,” I say, glancing down the hall toward Leo. “It’s not that simple.”
“Yes it is,” she says, cutting me off. “See, that’s the thing Ell. It really is that simple.”

on love
But maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.

texas cowboys

its the last morning of my short weekend trip to houston texas. the highlight of this trip was the much needed asian food haha hopefully all the char siew, bak kuh teh, prata, chin chow, dim sum and sushi will last me til august. sob

we also saw some awesome fireworks. possibly the best I've ever seen and they had these cheesy commentary with it like "houston we have a lift off!" and "one small step for man (small firework) one great leap for man kind (kaboom)"

it was a really hard trip for the boyfriend though cos I was staying with a guy friend, who is really completely platonic and I even got slightly annoyed with him towards the end. but yeah he called me like three four times a day, bbm all the time. it got exhausting. but I know when I think about it I can understand. given a change in position I would probably be the same. and once my phone died and he got super paranoid. but I know when I can't contact him I go a little crazy too. that's what long distance does to you.

I really love him though (: that's why I'm ok with it. and its only been three months. for some reason, after our big commitment future together talk, I'm having my own doubts now. sigh. I'm making sucha big commitment and.. were still young right? it seems like such big decisions like learning a new language and moving to a new country. am I really ready for it? or am I just blinding myself now?

well two good things came out of it hee one promise he made that I can't repeat cos you all will scold me. and my promise that my phone will never run out of battery.
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aftermath

i'm still a bit dazed and confused even though we've kind of talked. i know you're scared; so am i. i know moving to a foreign country for someone is a big step, i'm scared we won't be used to the proximity and dependence too. though i know i won't ever want to be dependent on you in any way and i want my own group of girlfriends, i don't know if that'll happen for sure. i don't know darling i can't see the future. but at least i want a future together. it hurt so much to know that you didn't even consider me in your future.

i don't really know if i've changed your mind. i know you're still doubtful.

went out tonight with some interns plus co workers and after two martinis and a mixer, i'm even more hesitant about me going to bangkok. what if i hate it?? i'm wavering about all the effort i have to put in to learn thai, to get visas, look for housing, a job. what if i can't find a job? i am putting so much on the line for you. yet i want to. i've always been kinda crazy/stupid this way right why stop now. argh i hope you're worth it.


oh lover, i'm old
you'll be out there and be thinking just of me
and i will find you down the road
and we'll return back home to where we're meant to be

cause i remember what we said
as we lay down to bed
we'll be back soon as we make history

cannot

i don't even know what to think. i can't think. erghh (blank) the boyfriend just told me that
we have no future together
he never thought we did
it makes him sad
but yeah sorry life's a bitch

really? and the reasons are just as absurd
i can't speak thai
we're not from the same country
our races are somehow incompatible
and he's really doing me a favor because it's not what i/my parents want

how does he know what i want??

so i'm not the most rationale person in the word. but this is what i want. i want to be with you, can't you see that? i'm willing to make all these sacrifices and try so hard, put in all this effort and now you tell me it's all for nothing, you never saw a future to begin with anyway. what have we been doing??

what am i suppose to do? please tell me. i'm at work. i can't think i can't concentrate i have so much work i don't understand. my heart hurts. i had to dry my tears with paper towels because i don't have tissue. maybe you were speaking in thai and.. someone please translate. i can't do this anymore. take it or leave it.